Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now, and all the people who I’m not close to anymore, and all of the good times that will never happen again, and all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever, and I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.
Just the idea. The idea of it all.
Sadly, thinking from what I have of now.
That it will only be that. Just the idea nothing more because I am not able to do it.
I can’t. Because I know you wouldn’t want someone so messed up like me.
Wiping what looks like tears, but it’s all of the tired & loneliness that was so deep inside you. & now to learn that you are able to understand it all.
It’s because I still need time.
Sadly I still have no idea. To even think this all through, not knowing the time to do so.
It’s all I really want to ask for, for what I need, I know it will help.
Help out the whole messed up thoughts that come and go.
"As I see it, you are living with something that you keep hidden deep inside. Something heavy. I felt it from the first time I met you. You have a strong gaze, as if you have made up your mind about something. To tell you the truth, I myself carry such things around inside. Heavy things. That is how I can see it in you."
Haruki Murakami, 1Q84
Yes, I know.
You don’t know. Or care.
It’s fine. In only a certain way.
Because you will learn to care & know but maybe not about it.
With it all, I need to get somewhere.
I don’t know where to start but.
It will be there, it has it’s time. I know it.
I have many thoughts & feelings that now its too late.
But then it all gets back to me that it was what I wasn’t able to do.
But you can’t do that because it actually is getting to everything. All of it is building up both of us not knowing. Because we show the wrong things. Which isn’t the way it should. So I took it as something else, actually doing something about it all. I’m not sorry for what I am doing because it is for the way I need to see everything. The way I should be. It needs to be like this, every single day I leave it the way it was. It gets worse. I now need it out.
Wasting time.
I don’t even want to think so though.
Feeling like I can’t wait,
but the thing is.
I need to know if I’m a thought that went through all this time.
I have no respect for you what so ever.
"I’ll always like you. That has nothing to do with time."
Haruki Murakami, Dance, Dance, Dance
Was such a bad beginning. Even though won’t get to talk/see them for a week… Today was one of the best, couldn’t really need better. Starting off Spring Break better than ever thought of.
Good vibes
Just simply understand that you will never understand me.
Write ups for math should never exist.
